Lately I have been getting myself into situations where I get really worked up and defensive. I go to the extreme of contacting the head of faculty or of threatening to report someone to the registration board of their work place.
Then, after it's all cooled down, I look back and go:
'Oh fuck.'
I feel like i'm split in two. With much gusto I go and get shit done and make sure I stand up for myself and crush everyone in my path and I do whats RIGHT.
But then, I let the criticisms or uncertainties of others get me down and question my decisions and I feel like wimping out and wishing I hadn't put into place the irreversable motions I had earlier in the day.
I wish I was one or the other and not torn between the two. As mum pointed out to me yesterday I can't have a 'fuck you' attitude and care what people think at the same time.
I don't know if this is the right way to go about doing things, but I do know that it's better than the alternative which is more the approach i'd been taking the past few years.
I'd notice something was wrong, it would make me angry etc. I would feel and think the rage i'm experiencing now but in reality I'd do nothing, or i'd do something really half assed. Then the time for action would pass but you know what wouldn't pass?
The regret of not having done what I thought was right, for not having stood up for myself or others. I'd hold on to these events for way longer than they deserved, fantasising about what I wish i'd said or done.
Even if doing things this way isn't quite the solution, it's closer to the mark than what I was doing before. And for now, I guess I should take comfort in that and try to learn from my mistakes.
Nani x
